


I'm Not Good Enough

by allonsymckenzie



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: I try and tag as many triggers as I can, M/M, eating disorder hint, i guess, insomnia hint, one sided Mavin, pining Michael Jones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 16:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsymckenzie/pseuds/allonsymckenzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael Jones knew he wasn't good enough for Gavin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Good Enough

He'd push him around, shoving playfully and teasingly, and Gavin would never mind it. Michael was his boy after all, and this is what they did. 

But in the dark of night, Michael's mind would always wander back to Gavin. The thought of the boy's face, his smile and laugh, and he would cry. Because Gavin was his boy, but he wasn't his. 

Michael would keep quiet, of course, because it was ridiculous to ruin such a good thing for something uncertain. And Gavin was so happy now, finally finding someone he could be everything he wanted to be in Meg. And Michael's thoughts would always go back to the same mantra: "why can't I be that person?" "Why can't you see that?" "Why am I not good enough?"

Michael's happiness would take a noticeable dive, and he would keep more to himself in the lets plays, the digs at Gavin growing fewer and further between. He took his emotions out in his rage quits, the anger and frustration in himself and in Gavin boiling over and spilling through into the recordings. Even Geoff noticed the sudden ferociousness of Michael's videos and would ask him if something's going on or if there's anything he needed to talk about. But Michael would just push him away, laughing it off that he was just having a bad day. 

But the bad days grew in numbers. First a few far between, but within the month they expanded to where Michael couldn't remember what a good day felt like anymore. Just sitting next to the Brit, wanting the boy he could never have, ached enough to make him sick to his stomach. 

Michael withdrew even more, skipping lunch breaks in excuse of getting more work done, when in reality the tasking thought of eating became such a bother to him that he couldn't force himself to. He couldn't force himself to do anything. It all just felt too much, like it was too much to give to life, only to not have the one thing he so desperately wanted. 

One day, Gavin returned to the office during a break, before the rest of the guys had come back, and found the boy slumped over his desk, passed out from exhaustion. Out of concern, he hauled Michael up by a shoulder, trying to wake the boy. 

"Almost done, Geoff. I'll have it in the studio in an hour." He mumbled, still lost in sleep. 

"Michael, wake up." Gavin said, voice stern. He shook the boy, but he remained sound asleep. 

"Fucking moron." He mumbled. Gavin laughed and moved to shake him once more when Michael continued. "Why can't you fucking see me? I'm right fucking here and I fucking want your dumb British ass."

Gavin's grip fell slack, Michael falling back to his desk as if nothing had happened. Gavin watched the boy's face in his sleep, the pang of guilt that he shouldn't be feeling rooting deep into his stomach. He patted Michael's shoulder, stepping quietly out of the room so as not to disturb the sleep he figured he needed. 

"Geoff, I really need to talk to you." Gavin pulled the man aside later that day, away from the now awake and alert Michael and the rest of the guys. 

"Yeah, what's up?"

"It's Michael. He's got a thing for me."

Geoff laughed. "You serious?"

"Yeah, and I think that's what's gotten into him. Like the feelings eating away at him or something."

Geoff thought a moment. "So what're we gonna do about that?"

"Someone's gotta talk to him and get this out in the open. It's eating away at him and it's not healthy." Gavin sighed, looking back to the office. "Look at him, Geoff. He's sick. He's sick and it's all my fault-"  
"Gav, it's not your fault. You didn't even fucking know. You can't blame yourself. There's no one to blame for this. But you're right, he can't keep up with this. I think you guys need to talk this out and clear the air."

So it was settled, and at the end of the day, as the office dissipated, one by one, Gavin was left alone with the boy. 

"Michael." He called over, looking at the boy's barely focused eyes fixed on his computer screen. "Michael."

"What, Gavin?" He sighed, putting down his headset and turning to face him. 

"I think we need to have a talk." Gavin began, Michael sitting back in his chair, giving full attention. "We've all noticed there's something different about you, and I certainly don't think it's anything good."

"What about it?" Michael asked. 

"Well, you've gotten about a dozen times more quiet, which is not normal. And Geoff said your rage quits have been a bit too rage filled to fit the games." Michael nodded, eyes wary. 

"And, well, I came in here during the break and found you asleep on your desk-" 

"I'm just tired, Gav. Can't I take a fucking nap?" Michael cut in, but Gavin put his hand on Michael's shoulder, silencing the lad. 

"It's not that, Michael. It's...you were talking in your sleep..about me."

The little bit of color that remained in Michael's face drained, eyes widening and jaw going slightly agape. "Gavin...Gav, I-"

"It's okay, Michael." Gavin laughed, a slight twinge of guilt washing over him. "I'm sorry this went on so long for you without you being able to say anything."

Michael looked at Gavin, then his hands, he desk, and back to Gavin, whose eyes were shining slightly in the dim of the office light. "Gavin, you're not crying are you?"

"I feel bad, Michael." He laughed, trying to mask it. "I really do. I really wish I could make you happy like you want but-"

"But you can't." Michael sighed, a slight smile on his face. 

"Why are you smiling?" Gavin asked. 

"Because I knew that already, you fucking mong. And I'm okay with that." He sighed. "I gave up on that a while ago. It's just...I have dreams about it still, and they hurt, so I just...I just choose not to sleep so that I can't dream."

"Oh, Michael..." Gavin sighed, choking just a bit. "Michael, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, Gav. Heartbreak isn't pretty, you know. But as long as I have my boy, at least as my best friend, I think I can be okay."

Gavin smiled, embarrassingly wiping a fear from his face. "So you're gonna be okay, yeah? I'm sorry for being such a right mong about this-"

"Hey, don't be fucking sorry. Sorry's not a good look on you." Michael laughed. "Just...be Gavin, and I'll be okay. Team Nice Dynamite?"

Gavin pulled him into a hug. "Team Nice Dynamite."


End file.
